A few months ago, I was in the midst of the final edits of my new novel, When I Close My Eyes, which just released in November. On the morning in question, I read James 1: 1-8 for my devotions, and the words that jumped out at me as I read and meditated on these verses were: endurance and unstable.

“…Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.”

Here’s my resulting conversation with the Lord:

And what I kept hearing in my head was a line I have in the novel: Faith and mental instability aren’t mutually exclusive. 

James says that a doubting man won’t receive from the Lord because he’s double-minded and unstable in all his ways. Perhaps I’m not talking about that type of being unstable. Or am I, Lord? Because I really, really believe what I said—mental instability and faith aren’t mutually exclusive.

Are they? Is that what James is saying?

But of course, that’s not the right question because the other theme in the novel is that depression is a silent killer and those who suffer must seek help. It is hard to seek help when we’re in that unstable place.

Ah, the vicious circle.

And yet. Endurance. Throughout my years of battling depression—that fierce monster that produces mental instability—You helped me endure. Or rather, I would not have endured without You. And that endurance often came through others who helped me hold up my hands when I would have let them fall.

So Lord, my prayer is this: please let the message of this novel be one that encourages, that helps those with unstable hands to find the strength to go on, for those who have wandered from You on rabbit trails to find their way back into Your loving presence.

Endurance sounds harsh. But then so does unstable. Yet these are just words that help me understand feelings and circumstances. Lord, the hard things have produced endurance in me. Even the mental instability has drawn me closer to You, has forced me to look to Your Word for mental sustenance, forced me to figure out how to tape over the lies (back in the 80s) or upload the truth (in today’s jargon).

I say in the novel that most Christians have gone on rabbit trails at one time or another and not received what You offer. But even those wandering times and the trials they produce are evidence of Your love as You call us back to Yourself and teach us lessons that help us endure.

So today, with the sun so bright and the day before me to create, please let me smile at the future because I have learned to learn from the past. In spite of the instability of Your children, You are always stable, and You give us the strength to endure.