Several years ago I was battling depression and burnout. I’ll be sharing other Letters to the Lord about that season in future posts, but hopefully, this one will be a little cyberhug to remind you, too, how much you are loved.

The disciple whom Jesus loves. (John 21:20-22) 

Precious Lord, I am home from church today. I have been battling migraines ever since we returned from furlough. It seems I get these headaches twice a week, and they last several days. So I stayed home from church today because I just couldn’t bear the thought of music and people. You know that the persistent depression is another reason and so today, as I was reading through Acts and reflecting on the Apostle Paul, I also knew I needed to do a Lectio.

The one that came was from John 21 as I am especially battling the demons of comparison and jealousy and feeling so unworthy (well, I know I’m unworthy), but so much like I haven’t been a faithful steward.

Anyway, I thought you’d speak to me about comparison, but what I heard is this:

YOU, Elizabeth, are the disciple whom Jesus loves. He loves you.

He loves ME.

Just because other disciples may seem to do greater deeds than you or suffer more or invest more or whatever—none of it is really your business anyway—that doesn’t take one smidgen of the truth away from the fact that you are deeply loved by Jesus. Not less loved because you esteem yourself weaker. Not put to the side because you are tired. Jesus loves you so much that he knows exactly what he is asking of you and it is nothing like what he is asking of others. And that is okay. Your calling is different. You are the disciple whom Jesus loves, and He wants you to bask in that love today. Just accept it. Just rest in it. And when the winds of comparison or jealousy or self-pity blow your way, just go back to the truth that you are loved. Quickly repent of those sins and bask again. Just bask. You don’t have to do anything. Just bask in his love for you today. YOU are the disciple whom Jesus loves.

I am the disciple whom you love, and it is all okay! I’m sure there are many things you will keep rooting out of my life, but in this time of fatigue and pain from headaches and just the burnout, what I hear is that you love me.

Period.

So I give you the next steps. I still feel so weak, partly because of the headaches, but just in my spirit too. And so I beg you for the courage to depend on you for the next two weeks as we welcome more guests and then head to North Africa. May we be what this precious team needs. People who can help them relax into each other’s friendships and have laughter and hope.

I confess, as you know, that once again, I will be going in your strength and my weakness. Which is the way it should be. Only Lord, please let me see it as a blessing and not hold it as something that I beat myself up over. This is me, this is where I am, and how I am, and you are not surprised in the least. May I be all that they need simply because you are all that I need.

In what ways do you feel weak? In what ways do you feel the Lord’s strength?